Permission to Feel EMOTIONS vs. FEELINGS vs. THOUGHTS
As therapists, we often ask the question, “What are you feeling?" and many times the answer is “I don’t know.” If you feel a little disconnected from your feelings and confused by the difference between thoughts and feelings (and, hello, emotions!), you are not alone and this newsletter is for you.
Let's begin with some clarification around emotions, feelings and thoughts. Emotions are the sensory experience in your body. An easy way to remember this is that emotions are energy in motion. Heat in your chest and cheeks, a sinking sensation or butterflies in your stomach, or a sudden tingly and weightlessness as examples.
A feeling is the label you put to the sensory experience: ie: heat in face = I feel angry, sinking in stomach = I feel disappointed, tingly in body = I feel ecstatic.
When you follow “I feel” with "like" or "that", it signals that you have moved into thought. We get this a lot in therapy, ie: "I feel like she is mad at me". When we experience an emotion (energy in motion), our head brain labels it as a feeling (sad, angry, ecstatic) and typically adds a thought in order to make meaning around it "she is mad at me". Thoughts are often the first thing we are aware of, especially if we are not used to connecting with our bodies.
Emotions can be triggered by external stimuli (something in your environment) and internal stimuli (a memory or thought) so it can be confusing at times ie: which comes first, the emotion, feeling or thought?
It is important to remember that emotions are rooted in the nervous system. This energy in motion is your nervous system picking up on something outside of your awareness and then trying to communicate with your head brain. This then generates labels (feelings) and meaning (thoughts). This loop often feeds on itself which is what makes it hard to decipher the trigger.
If you have trouble identifying your feelings, start with noticing the sensations in your body! The easiest time to notice is after an interaction with another person.
Check in with your body, try the meditation below.
As you become increasingly aware “I’m experiencing an emotion,” you can get curious about it: is it something that makes you turn inward or something you have the urge to “push” outward? It is moving you toward or away from connection? Try to stay away from judging the sensation as comfortable or uncomfortable. Even happy feelings can be “unpleasant” in sensation. If you have been disconnected from embodied messages like emotions, it will all seem uncomfortable at first. “Uncomfortable” isn’t much of a clue in terms of identifying how you feel. The first and biggest step is simply getting used to noticing emotions when they arise. (What happens next? Stay tuned for the next newsletter!)
Meditation
This is a simple body scan. Try it after an interaction with another person that seems to have stirred up sensations in your body (or maybe you notice first your mind is more busy, telling stories about what just happened).
-Take a breath. Now take two more, trying to exhale longer than you inhale.
-Start at the top of your head, extending your awareness to any tension in your eyes, your jaw. -Notice your throat – does it feel tight, closed?
-Shoulders, now- are they hunched, up around your ears, folded forward?
-Come to your chest- any tightness, does it feel fiery, is there energy pulsing for action, does it feel heavy?
-Notice your hands- what are those guys up to? Clenched, wringing, picking at cuticles?
-Oh boy, now your belly (this is a well of sensation)- butterflies, tightness, sinking, looseness of bowels, aches?
-Any low back/hip aches?
-Check in with your legs- tension in thighs, bouncing of knees, curling of toes?
Remember you are not trying to fix it, solve it or make it go away. The goal is to connect with your body and what’s happening in it.
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